All About Me



I'll admit it - I'm a "Friendster" addict. I know, I know - as embarrasing as that admission would have been in, oh, 2003, it's completely horrific approaching the second quarter of 2005. I seriously tried myspace, I have . . . but I think at the time I signed up on Friendster, I was so into it, and made so many people my friends, that by the time I got onto myspace, I just didn't have the energy. But the Friendster profile's already up and running, so it's hardly any effort to update it every now and then, isn't it?

Generally, not much goes down on Friendster any more these days. Everyone is so much cooler than me (out of MANY, many things I could be, and have been called, "early adapter" is certainly not one of them). I just bought a cell phone last week that has a color screen (I guess having the choice between orange or green LCD didn't count. But I could dress up my phone for Halloween or St. Patrick's Day!) So, as far as online networking sites, I'm kind of left behind in the technological dust.

Fortunately, every so often, someone discovers friendster, and then discovers me, and the old spark of making contact on the internet with someone you've previously had an actual, face-to-face relationship strikes again. I recently received a "message" from one of the very first people I met in college. And we wrote testimonials for each other on our friendship profiles describing things that happened to us oh so long ago (we met in August of 1994 - so that would be what, 10 1/2 years ago? Ouch, that's a decade). It's amazing, how time flies. It seems like only yesterday. I can't think of another tired cliche about the passage of time so I'll stop right here.

It does make you stop and think about the relationships you've had, and the things you've been through with people. How so utterly important things at the time seem - and how much your feelings about past events change with time. To be perfectly honest, my friend and I went through some uncomfortable arguments and disagreements. But at this point, it's difficult to even remember what any of that was about, or what actually occured. As our testimonials illustrate, what we remember best are the funny or happy anectodes. At least that's what I hope to remember.


Well Fuck It All . . .

I just blogged or whatever this entirely deep introspection regarding my behavior/thoughts/goals/ideas about this entirely awful day.

When I was almost finished, I hit something, and Mozilla closed out.

It's gone.

I'm (almost) refusing to belive that is symbolic in any way.

Goals for next blog entry at least: click on "Save as Draft" every few minutes . . .

Confidential to B.M. - You're great, and you're right. The appointment has parental approval and will be made tomorrow.


Quiz Time

I know I've been lax in my blogging of late. Not to make excuses, but I've been spending a lot of time on school and the new relationship. Plus, I'm still trying to regroup and figure out how to post things on the blog without regard to how my boyfriend might react. Certainly, I didn't edit anything previously posted before he read it, but still - the dilemma exists: How do I post entries without, either consciously or subconsciously, tailoring what I write to his audience? It's not easy, because I really want to maintain a level of honesty with myself on here, and I'm not completely positive I can attain that, and write about everything I am feeling, knowing he will be reading.

Regardless, here's a little quiz on my favorite subject (hello, me) that I threw together . . . If you're a friend of mine, you should be able to get a few correct, yo:

Take my Quiz on!

Good Luck!


I'm One Of Those People

As in those non-single people. Those people whom I've refered to often in loud, derisive tones. Not because I was bitter (because I was!), but because I really did feel a little bit superior. I spent a long time jumping from relationship to relationship because I was honestly afraid of being single. Though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, I got over all that serial monogamy and learned how to actually enjoy being single. I learned how to feel a way I thought I could never feel and I learned how to appreciate me for me, and not for who would date me. I really (and rightfully so) thought this was pretty damn great, and so I of course felt that the "new me" (whatever that means) was superior to the "old me" (again - what?). Therefore, single me was by default superior to icky coupled people.

So, now I'm one of those people, and it surprises me how much I was missing. Not that I regret being single for such a long time at all, because I think it's what I needed to do, and I really enjoyed it. It's a hell of a lot of fun to try new non-single things as well. Now I have the opportunity to gain from what I've learned and to learn new things.

I went out for a Valentine's Day dinner tonight at Friday Saturday Sunday in Rittenhouse. It was a very cozy, romantic restaurant. We shared a bottle of wine, salads, entrees, coffee and dessert - the whole shmear. I spent more money that I would have on a night out at the bar, but honestly had as much fun. The best part was that the fun was entirely different than if I had gone out to the bar. Now I understand why my non-single friends (is it telling that I'm still defining it in terms of singledom, g.g. "single" and "non-single"? I'm not gonna touch that one yet) stay in so much, or at least aren't out carousing like I'm wont to do. Plus, I got flowers and chocolate!


"I Got A Knife Here In My Pocketbook And I'm Gonna Cut You Up After Class"

I can be such an asshole bitch.

Well, let's not go that far, but really, the potential is so there.

I think the problem stems from insecurity (which I am beginning to belive is the root of all asshole behavior the world over.)

My problem is, a lot of times I strive just a little too much to be funny, and easily end up crossing that imaginary line into insult-land. The worst part is I have this awful capability of tapping into my own insecurities in order to hit any particular subject that is especially raw. The ever worst part than that is it tends to happen most with people I really like.

Let's take for instance the guy that I'm dating. Let's call him Fritz (I've decided that's my pet name for him. Please don't ask for any explanations, there are none, which is why I think it's perfect. I won't share the second part of the pet name, unless, God forbid, I end up "blogging" drunk some day.) Anyway, I'm really afraid I'm going to say something to Fritz that will really insult him and make him mad at me. Even worse (how dramatic, right? It just gets worse and worse!) is that he has a somewhat similar personality in which insult is easily converted into comedy and affection. Which feeds my need to go over the top. I've come really, really close a few times, already. I do have to give Fritz credit for not having a hissy over a few of the things I've said to him (believe me, I would - and there's the big ole flaw - I can dish it out much better than I can take it. I know - BAD!) I suppose all I can do is make the extra effort to be really nice. And in actuality, based on how I'm feeling about Fritz, I'm thinking the effort won't be too much to make. I'm sure I'll fuck something up at some point, which scares me. I'll just hope, based on what's gone on so far, it'll be OK.

Such a lame conclusion, I know. I feel impotent and out of control, which I really hate! Sorry, more drama. I don't feel out of control, or impotent (Oh God no!) I could just be feeling dramatic.


Things To Do Today

I am procrastinating so bad on so many important things that NEED to get done:

1) Get my HIV and STD test. If I'm going to be a sperm donor (can we think of a less clinical term? Not as parental as "father" but certainly more warm and fuzzy than something with the connotation of latex gloves and a little plastic cup) I need to make sure that everything is OK. I'm not too worried, but you never know. Everyone will be much happier when we know for sure there are no acronyms lurking about. And it's really about so many more people than me.

2) Get that application completed and submitted, already! I need a break from Law School, and I need to get that Master's degree, for my own sanity and well being. Also, so I have any hope of employment at all after school. No second thoughts about going to New Brunswick, none. OK, some have recently crept in, but that's no reason not to apply at least.

3) Summer Plans? This great internship opportunity just came up. Gotta get the CV and cover letter out, much much sooner than later.

4) Short term - need to buy mom and bro and sis something for their birthdays! By, like, dinner this evening . . .

5) Make plans for Valentine's Day. Do I really have a Valentine??? I do!!!! Gotta take advantage of this. He told me he really liked me today. Mine is not to ask why, just to enjoy it, because I really like him too. We edged around the "title?" conversation which really kind of freaked me out. I'm just afraid to talk about it because I don't want to rush anything and get disappointed. On the other hand, I do want to rush because I really like where this is going. I need to breathe deep and enjoy the journey. I think I cut him off rather abruptly from that conversation, and I hope I didn't make him think I didn't really like him too. He's so very neurotic, which scares me, because I am too. Though he's been medicated for it, and has moved off the meds, while I have always needed to be medicated for it and never was. Maybe I can learn a thing or two about how to deal? I'll stop obsessing, enjoy where this is going, and have fun. Deep breath. Breathe . . .

That's about all I need to do. Not much at all, right? I can totally handle it. Breathe . . .



I took the time out of an awfully busy day at work to call the guy I'm - dating? I dunno. The one I went on a serious of dates with over the weekend. Ususally, if it's a Monday and two people have called out and we're getting slammed with calls, I'm in no mood to do anything but bemoan the existence that is my life. I tried to sneak out for a smoke break to call him on my cell, but my supervisor (who's actually been a friend of mine much longer than a supervisor, and I who rarely work with anymore, anyway) followed me outside. So, by the time I was able to call (just to say I couldn't really call) he told me he was sick. I'm such a selfish bitch that my first thought was "OMG, I'm gonna get sick now too! And I won't be able to see him if he's all sick and what-not!"

But, in better news, I feel fine, and we already made plans to see each other at some point tomorrow, which makes me very happy. We're supposed to have lunch tomorrow because I have a big break betweeen classes in the middle of the day. And, I told him if he was too sick to work, and therefore lunch, I would come by later with some chicken soup (purely figurative, I don't cook). He told me I was too much (which briefly made me panic - too clingy, Phil??) but then he said I shouldn't stop being too much. To which I assured him I wouldn't. Yes, too clingy. But who the fuck cares, really?